Tha Crossroads

For purposes of this blog, Crossroads = Contradictions

Contradictions make me question AM I CRAZY?

***I am 40 years old. I don't know what I expected 40 to be like, but it definitely isn't this. I don't think I was expecting a mid-life crisis. Turning 40 was not something I was looking forward to but definitely not crisis worthy. I definitely was not expecting a calm inner peace to wash over me (as it should for any person who has survived 40 years ... well deserved at this point). What is certain about being 40 is nothing is certain. I am more unsure and confused about myself now than I ever have been. It's both a blessing and a curse. I will elaborate.

I truly believe that I have grown into exactly the person I am meant to be. I know what I believe. I know what I want. I know what I don't want. I know what I am good at. I know my weaknesses. I have a quiet confidence in all that makes me, me. BUT I have NO idea who I am. Am I a mother? Am I an employee? Am I a daughter? Am I the crazy ex-wife? Am I the mother of his child he doesn't want to deal with? I know that I am all of those things but is that all I am? That seems like a lot and nothing at the same time. Does that make sense? Not at all. That is what 40 is!

***I love people! I truly just love every single person. Well except that one girl that went out of her way to destroy my life and steal my man but the rest of them, I love. Even the mean people because they clearly don't love themself so I will love them. I love seeing people. I love giving random compliments to make someone smile. I love watching people and just observing how they spend a moment. I love watching people love each other. IBUT I really dislike peopling. I don't want to have to talk to people. So many words and nothing is ever said. I don't like crowds of people. All that energy in one place is overwhelming. I actually walked out of a concert that I paid $300.00 for the tickets because I felt trapped. And because I was in the middle of the row and I didn't want to annoy the people on the end by having to walk over them 18 times to pee because I have a small bladder. I am 40 and have 4 kids. I pee a lot.

***I very much enjoy going out and doing things. The zoo with my kids. Dinner with my mom. Movies. Parks. Festivals. Museums. I love the experiences and memories. I love showing my kids new things and watching them soak up every second. I love trying new things. BUT I hate leaving my house. Oh I dread it so much. When I step outside these walls, I lose control over my environment. Mostly I hate getting ready to leave the house. By getting ready I mean showering and finding clothes that fit the occasion that are not my sweatpants with holes. Trying to do my hair and makeup so that I look like more than a tired old lady with thinning hair and dark eye circles. And the almost guaranteed mental breakdown when I check the mirror 10 times hoping to see a glowing beautiful woman. That woman is never who I find staring back at me. In my house I can be ugly and in control without unnecessary disappointment.

RANDOM WISDOM OF THE ELDER (because when you turn 40, you suddenly have the ability to share valuable life advice in an almost poetic haiku type of way) 

You spend your entire life getting older. You spend practically every day of that life preparing and planning for tomorrow never knowing when today is your last tomorrow. Don't take today for granted because you can't get back your yesterdays and the number of tomorrows you will see is never guaranteed. 

***I always reach for and look to have meaningful connections and relationships with other humans. Whether it be a friendship or relationship. The person or people in my life I can talk to, laugh with, celebrate with, cry with. Being loved and loving is what I live for. What is a life without having someone or someones to share it with? I so badly want to be that special person in someones life that can't be replaced. I often just wish I had that ride or die friend that I can just walk in their house and spend a night on their couch as if it was home. To have someone see me for exactly the weirdo I am but appreciate all the little things that make me special and unique. BUT I would rather be alone. I would rather stay in my safe place alone wishing I had that kind of friendship or relationship than allowing myself to have it. I have friends. I don't just walk in their house and pick a spot of their couch like it's home. I always feel like other people mean more to me than I do to them. I will go out of my way to make someone I love feel loved and special hoping for the same effort and thought. I will drop what I am doing if someone needs me and then sit alone wondering how I am going to deal with something. I will take a friend juice and medicine for a sick child so they don't have to try to leave their house and then sit and wait after they told me they would do the same for me. It is easier to stay alone and keep the connections at a distance than face the reality that I really am not that special and loved. It's a risk I have come to find isn't worth the pain.

***I feel like I have been an adult for longer than I have. I feel like I belong to this secret club where we clip coupons and share our adulting tips

So this is what 40 is. For me at least. I am a walking contradiction with eye wrinkles and an addiction to sweatpants able to deliver poetic wisdom realizing that after all these years I still have more questions than answers.