I know you have probably heard at some point the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. When I hear that I usually think of a person doing something stupid that smacks them in the face each time. Well, in my world, it's doing something considerate, kind or helpful over and over again expecting or hoping for the same in return and being blindsided with hurt feelings when it doesn't happen. Again.

I don't think I would be in such a constant state of questioning the crazy within had I known these things earlier in life. I am glad to know now but it really would have changed things. I'd say it would have been helpful in about 5th grade. I may not have fully understood the powerful knowledge I am about to bestow, but it definitely would have altered course. So here is my 40 years of experience to-do or not to-to list to my 10 year old self, and anyone else who cares to listen and may benefit....

You may have noticed in just this short time that my feelings and thoughts currently revolve around a singular person. That would be correct because that is what is happening right now. That one singular person has spent almost 15 years taking the lead in my thoughts and feelings. I am not obsessed or stuck. I do not throw blows and then cry and whine when I get hit back. I am sorting thru YEARS of emotions and feelings, both good and bad. I am processing a huge part of my life that despite my best efforts, is unraveling in the slowest of motion forcing me to feel every single tiny cut and scrape along the way. And while it is unraveling, there is, almost daily, another situation or conversation I am left questioning if I am crazy. Its so often that since I started typing this one blog, a string of events occurred that would usually just send me over the ledge because of the absurdity. Luckily I was so focused on getting the feelings out, I was able to avoid overwhelming feelings that lead to unproductive reactions. There's hope for me yet. Don't count me out of this war because I have lost emotional battles! That all being said, now on to the topic currently taking holding my brain hostage.

Before I go much further, I feel the need to make a point. I feel like anyone who may be bored enough or just plain lost on the internet that stumbled across my blogs may very quickly question if I am always this sad, dramatic and long-winded. I get it. Trust me I have to live with myself and totally get it. But there is a specific reason I decided it was worth it to pay a small fee for the false reassurance that my feelings be read and understood when I push that little "publish button". 

 .... am i crazy? Obviously a question of the rhetorical kind. That is unless you have all the answers for what keeps me up at night. If you do, I welcome you to contact me immediately to further discuss. Until I hear from someone, I will rhetorically again ask, AM I CRAZY? I am exhausted. I am sad, at times I would say depressed. I am physically out of shape. I am highly emotional. I overthink about overthinking. I am loyal. I am creative but not artistic. I am an introvert. I would benefit from the services of a highly skilled therapist. I am full of self-doubt. I am short (but average short...not I have to wear children's clothes short). All of the aforementioned things I know. Without a doubt. I could fill pages and pages of the things I know about myself but won't put you through that. Now that I mention it, I may make a little sticky note to remind myself to do that though. That seems like a therapeutic activity I may benefit from. Inventory of ME I shall call it. What a great idea that is! I think I should add that I am easily distracted and venture off-topic very easily. As I was saying, I know things about myself. But I don't know if I am crazy.....

For purposes of this blog, Crossroads = Contradictions

AM I CRAZY??? Why does life always have to be a fight or competition? More specifically, why does co-parenting have to be a fight or competition? You really don't have to like the other parent to have the respect to co-parent for the best for your child. It's really not rocket science, just decent human stuff. It would be crazy to have the expectation that there would never be a disagreement or butting of heads. That is going to happen, even in the happiest marriage. Being a parent is tricky business. I know there are those lucky humans out there who get along fantastically and co-parent either just with the other parent or with step-parents and post lovely happy pictures of their happy situations but it couldn't have always been that way. Right? There had to be bumps in the road and a lot of working out kinks to get there. Or at least I think so? I've tried for that meeting of the minds, compromising, minimally stressful, so my child can have the best life kind of co-parenting situation. I've tried so hard. I've watched another woman "mother" my infant child while publicly portraying the child as hers. I've calmly tried addressing mental abuse by a "step-parent" while getting called every name in the book and being physically threatened. In the face of some pretty crazy moments, I truly believe I've tried to the best of my ability to create calm and peace for my children whatever that may look like. There are so many moments I could rant and rave about the difficulty of co-parenting, not only with just the other parent, but with "step-parents". All of those moments aren't what landed me in from of a screen rambling right now trying to figure out this blog world just to have a way to get these words and feelings out of my head. Now there have been some noteworthy crazy almost unbelievable moments but in this moment, it all comes down to a shirt. No significant other crossing boundaries. No disagreements about important life choices for our child. A shirt is the cause of my troubles right now and I don't understand why. A little background is necessary at this point. I don't like to fight. I hate fighting. I am extra sensitive and take things very personally. Harsh words and hurt feelings settle in my soul and live there. I avoid confrontation like the plague. I fight hate with kindness. I don't complain. I don't demand. I don't require or need acknowledgment for things I have done or do. It is pointless to me. Confrontation and arguing never results in anything more than hurt feelings. I take it all so personally and overthink the reasons I deserved such anger or hate. Realistically I know if I am really who I think I am, that anger and hurt has nothing to do with me but that is a whole different blog and has nothing to do with my children.