I know you have probably heard at some point the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. When I hear that I usually think of a person doing something stupid that smacks them in the face each time. Well, in my world, it's doing something considerate, kind or helpful over and over again expecting or hoping for the same in return and being blindsided with hurt feelings when it doesn't happen. Again.
IT'S OFFICIAL .... I have upgraded my crazy for INSANE! This time I don't have to ask. I know.
I do have a question though. WHY AM I SO NAIVE? When I am shown how little I am considered, I choose to not see it. When it's been made clear my feelings don't matter, I continue to share. When it is obvious my time has no value, I offer it willingly.
I don't want to change those parts of me. How I treat people and navigate situations is who I am. I try to treat people as I want to be treated. I don't feel insane or crazy or stupid for that. That is who I am. That and I have been accused of being vindictive and spiteful so I find myself doubling efforts to never give truth to that. What I would like to change is being so hurt when the roles are reversed and I am ignored or dismissed. To put the super huge cherry on top of that, then I feel I need to express those hurt feelings and make a giant ass of myself because now I am being ignored, dismissed and I'm a nuisance that won't go away.
Isn't there some hidden defense super secret part of the brain that kicks in to protect us from trauma? Like either blacks it out or replaces it with some alternate happy ending to ensure our mental survival? I think mine is broken. My brain is punishing me. A life sentence of stepping on the same rake and getting smacked in the face for the 104,584,251th time.
I can't help but try. I always fail. It never stops hurting.
I want to be one of those badass women who grew skin of steel and a heart of stone strutting through life while insignificant words and actions just bounce right off me. Do no harm, take no shit! What button do I push to activate that superpower? I need to know very soon because I cannot take much more. All sarcasm set aside, it affects every part of my life and it is getting a little too heavy to carry. It has started to impact my relationship with my son. Which then effects my other children because I am angry and can't do anything to chance or fix it. I can see myself falling apart and withdrawing. I can't be a mother when I want to or need to be. Very deep important parts of who I am is decided by someone else and is taken from me. I have strong feelings to just give up. I don't even want to me a mom anymore. What good am I if I am always angry or depressed when I do get the chance. The resentment is starting to show and no one deserves that. I cannot live a life waiting to be allowed to live it.
P.S. I would like my hug jacket in a nice shade of purple and my padded room king-sized. Please. and thanks.
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