YOU REALLY SUCK! I never expected perfection. It's not like I had another father to compare you to so there was really no standards or expectations. You failed. I feel like you failed without trying. I feel like what was done, was out of obligation and responsibility only. I feel that you are more relieved to not have me in your life then you ever were happy I existed. For that, YOU REALLY SUCK!
I wonder if it would help if I knew why. Or would it hurt more? Is there really even a reason that you can put into coherent thoughts? What did I do to deserve a father that hates me so much?
I think I always felt the disconnect between us. You seemed to have an easier relationship with my sister and brother. You didn't seem to know what to do with me. I know I was the quiet shy one so it was easier to have fun with my sister. I over-analyzed everything and she just smiled and laughed. Of course it was easy with my brother. Boys doing boy things. I didn't have a bad childhood. I wasn't left out or ignored. We did family things. You played the part.
I think high school is when I really started to notice without being aware. I remember you driving me to school the day after my boyfriend broke up with me and I was crying. You didn't say a word. You didn't even look at me. No attempt at all. I would have taken anything no matter how awkward or small. Just to know you cared. I can only remember you being at one of my volleyball games. Only because we were leaving town right after. You never missed a football game. I never really thought about it until I was older so it was ok. I only played the one year anyway. Not like it you missed defining moments in my life. Just plain ol' dad supporting daughter because he loves her kind of stuff.
As I got older, I thought the disconnect may have been because I started a family so young. Maybe you were disappointed and ashamed of me. I remember you telling me I was going to end up a single mom with 5 kids and food stamps. You were angry. I understand. And to be honest, you weren't really wrong. But I carried those words with me. You showed up. You were a great Papa to my kids. Almost a daily part of their lives. Watching you love them made me forget any subconscious feeling of disconnect. You showed up to help me fix what broke. You didn't miss a birthday part or holiday.
And then it all changed. When you and mom's relationship started to end, and your lying and drinking started. I was so scared. Did you ever know that? I was an adult. I knew adult things. I knew that things change. But things changed so fast in such an ugly angry way that I was scared. Do you remember the night we had a get together in the garage and you disappeared. We tried calling you for hours. No answer. No call back. Nothing. Until you showed up drunk acting like it was no big deal. I was angry. You didn't like that I was angry. You got so angry at me being angry that you grabbed me by the throat choaking me and threw me pinned to the table. You were so angry it took all the guys to pull you off me. You said you didn't remember that happening the next day when mom tried to have a family meeting to sweep it under the rug like nothing happened. I'll never forget it.
Do you remember the day of that funeral that you all went to and started a fight at? I stayed away to avoid drama and you all went and started a huge fight. I tried talk to you. I tried sorting through what happened. You just wanted to fight him. The man I loved. You made me call him and you all sat there, drunk, trying to fight and make a scene. I had to leave and I asked you all to just be done with it. I went to him because he was also upset and needed to sort through what happened. Despite me asking you to be done, you called him to make things worse. Do you remember what you said to me when you found out I left your house to go to his? I remember. You told me I was dead to you and to never ask you for a thing again. You and my sister created this situation for no reason at all other than to be assholes and cause problems. He didn't do anything to you. You and my sister got drunk, made fools of yourselves and then got angry and blamed me for being wrong when I went to his house to make sure he was ok. I was dead to you for having to deal with and clean-up after your ridiculous actions. As a father I am sure it was hard to watch me love him and try to have a relationship with him. It was no secret he wasn't exactly faithful. He wasn't exactly treating me great. No father would want that. But you had gotten drunk and slammed me by the throat without hesitation so was it really care and concern or more of a control issue? I was starting to spend less time with all of you and not listening to what you thought I should do. I am not saying you were wrong. But it definitely felt more like a college frat group about to kick me out for dating outside of the approved list than it did a father genuinely concerns for his daughter's well-being.
Is he the reason you started to hate me? I could go on for hours and list all the things that were said and done. I could list all of the things you accused me of that were untrue. I could remind you of the things you did to spite me and cause problems for me. To do any of that would be a waste of time though. The simple reality is no matter what was said or done, not once did you call me to try to resolve any misunderstandings or issues. Not once, did you call to ask to see my kids. You never once spoke to me about the things you accused me of doing that you made sure to tell everyone else. You failed to come to me directly with these problems giving me the opportunity to fix what you claim I broke. You ended our relationship with dramatic displays of blame and hate but didn't have the decency to include me. I was the target of your anger and blame. And I have no idea why. At this point, I have no desire to clarify the truths or point out the real wrong-doings. Half you probably were too drunk to remember, and the other half you are too scared to admit. What I don't understand is why?
As an adult, and as a parent, I cannot even begin to understand what could have happened that you were so willing to give up on me. Not even give-up on me, but get rid of me. I tried calling you to tell you I missed you, loved you and wanted to fix things. You yelled. You screamed. You blamed me. I was crying trying to get my dad back and you just wanted to yell at me. At that point, it wouldn't have mattered who did or said what, it would have been a chance to fix things. I thought maybe after a couple days, you would calm down and call back and try to talk. Never happened. No call. You were content leaving it at yelling angry blame.
I have had disagreements with my kids. Never once would I ever be ok without having them in my life. What have I done that is so bad that you don't want me anymore? Why has it been so easy for you to kick me out of your family? Do you ever think of me? Do you miss me at all?
I always miss having my dad. When I'm hurting, I wish you were here to hug me and make me feel safe. When something is broke and I don't know what to do, I wish I could call you for help. When my kids do really amazing things, I wish you were there to see it. When the holidays come every year, I sit alone wishing I was with you and my family.
I've had to come to terms with the fact that I will likely never understand or know why you don't want me in your life. I think it's really best I don't know at this point. The dad I knew is gone. The dad I wish I had is fictional. The family and life I was so connected to is gone. I have had to live as if you are dead. Because if you are dead, there is no reason hurt wondering why I have a dad out there who doesn't want me. If you are dead, there is a logical reason for your absence, and it isn't your choice to not have me or my kids in your life. You have become a wound from my past. I miss someone who no longer exists. You are dead to me. I don't forgive you. I don't forget you. I don't wish ill your way. I don't hope that someday you change your mind and try to find me. I don't wish for you to ever regret your words or actions towards me. You are someone I used to know and are glad to no longer know. You are a failure as a father. You are nothing more than a weak, selfish, poor excuse for a man. You are the reason I will do all that I can to make sure my kids never question my love or support for them. I don't mourn the loss of you in my life. The moment you became something I needed to survive is the moment you were no longer wanted or welcome. RIP Dad.
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