Just accept it.

You may have noticed in just this short time that my feelings and thoughts currently revolve around a singular person. That would be correct because that is what is happening right now. That one singular person has spent almost 15 years taking the lead in my thoughts and feelings. I am not obsessed or stuck. I do not throw blows and then cry and whine when I get hit back. I am sorting thru YEARS of emotions and feelings, both good and bad. I am processing a huge part of my life that despite my best efforts, is unraveling in the slowest of motion forcing me to feel every single tiny cut and scrape along the way. And while it is unraveling, there is, almost daily, another situation or conversation I am left questioning if I am crazy. Its so often that since I started typing this one blog, a string of events occurred that would usually just send me over the ledge because of the absurdity. Luckily I was so focused on getting the feelings out, I was able to avoid overwhelming feelings that lead to unproductive reactions. There's hope for me yet. Don't count me out of this war because I have lost emotional battles! That all being said, now on to the topic currently taking holding my brain hostage.

I NEED TO ACCEPT IT. This is not a hushed polite suggestion. This is me screaming at myself in bold all caps ! ! !

It's a unexpected emergency stop jump out of the car on fire kind of realization for me. I wasn't expecting it. I wouldn't have anticipated I would get to this point right. But I welcome the blaze of fire that has forced me to jump out and save myself. 

It is time I seize any and all effort and forfeit. It is time I end the madness and refrain from future attempts to mend what cannot be mended. I must find peace with the fact that despite my whole-hearted genuine attempts to save this situation, it will likely destroy me before it will ever become that happily ever after life I really believed it could be. I have to understand that it's ok to give up and that does not mean I failed.

I struggle with that more than an average person should, I think. I feel if I give up and quit, I am going against my promise to stay for better or for worse. I assume that if I throw in the towel and walk away to protect myself, I am no different than the people I loved and lost who I feel gave up on me.

I struggle to leave knowing if I stay and can show my truth, it will be ok. I don't know how to emotionally process that I need accept that someone may have unfavorable feelings for me. Moreso when I know those feelings are based on fictional events or situations. I will go take every bullet shot at me attempting to prove myself and clear my name. As I lay there bleeding, I will endure words of hate and disgust for the small chance that the hell I am willing to endure be undeniable proof of strength of my character. Silly girl. The person shooting at me has no interest in saving me. Just because I will take a bullet for them, doesn't mean they will not be the first to grab the gun to be the one to put a bullet in me. 

The thought often creeps into my mind that I should not continue to try to prove myself to someone who continuously and repeatedly make is known how little they care for me.  I am not completely blind or deaf. I am anything but ignorant. Every time I start to rationally see the situation for what it really is, or isnt, my brain shuts down and my heart kicks into overdrive not yet ready to cut the connection that once was there. It's those past moments shared with smiles and warm fuzzy feelings that fuel my hope that I can repair what broke. Knowing that I was trying to mend a lifetime of damage. Unwilling to admit that no matter how hard I overlook the abuse in an attempt to show unconditional love, I cannot defeat those demons he carries. Knowing the pain he carries, and wanting nothing more than to help heal him, I try. I believe with all my heart that if I am patient, my love will prove true and he will realize what he believed was just his pain blocking his ability to trust in what is real and good.

I am emotionally intelligent enough to understand that his cruel words and false accusations are simply attempts to deflect and justify his own actions and the guilt he should feel. I can see that he defensively creates false truths to place blame rather than take accountability. I don't hold that against him. That is an extremely hard thing to do. Personal accountability can be very ugly. The web of lies and pain caused to avoid accountability is far worse. I got caught in his web. I willingly made that web my home believing that if I loved hard enough and was patient long enough, I would break thru . Without hesitation, I threw all self-preservation to the wind and full steam ahead was willing to put everything I held dear into loving him because he was worth it. Believing that if I loved him at his darkest, I would show I was worthy of his heart. Choosing to be blind to the fact that instead of breaking thru his web, he was slowly weaving his pain around me tighter and tighter. I welcomed my own destruction with open arms.

Clearly my efforts went unmatched. My unconditional love unnoticed. My presence not value. I became the skape goat. The punching bag. How much time should pass and at what point should a relatively sane and emotionally intelligent person come to terms with the situation no matter how false the circumstances may be? I know I have issues to work through. The prominent trouble-makers being my fear of rejection and abandonment. Being aware of the contributing issues, at what point should I ask AM I CRAZY for continuing this shitshow? 

I've reached that point. And now that I am here, I feel really crazy knowing I should have arrived fully packed ready for the one-way trip forward with no looking back. I have been called every name in the book. I have been accused of stealing, lying, cheating, selling my body, hiding keys just to be spiteful, hacking accounts, stalking, etc because I have years and years to add to that list. For my own peace of mind I want to add that for proof that I am not delusional, I have night drives to look at stars and just talk, backyards evenings just listening to music and talking about anything and everything, random spur of the moment throw clothes in a bag and leave weekend trips, etc and many more amazing moments that I can easily say were some of the best moments of my life. When should I have been able to honestly acknowledge that the bad is starting to outweigh the good and the chances of getting the good back are getting smaller with every accusation and argument. I finally know that to save myself before there isn't much left to save, I have to accept what he thinks and feels about me. I have to accept that he will never see the truth through it all no matter what I say or do or how much time goes by. I have to accept that he no longer, in any way, wants me in his life. I have to accept that the harder I try, and the more I say, will only cause more trauma for myself and at that point, I can't blame him for it. He is no longer to blame for me not accepting what he consistently shows me and tells me. It cannot be his fault that I allow him to pull me back in completely by allowing him in. To take advantage of me for whatever the benefit may be that I then consider a sign of affection or interest. He is not to be held accountable for me allowing that behavior and treatment to continue. I HAVE TO ACCEPT WHAT IS.

You may want to stop reading here. What is to follow is hard to understand. I need to remember because what seems like manageable moments, were extremely emotional painful moments.

It is important to me to memorialize by way of this blog what finally pushed me to the point of acceptance. As I said, I've been called every name. I've been accused of all the ugly things. I've been told I wasn't wanted or worthy. But it has always been followed with heavy dose of love-bombing. It was a well-developed, long-term cycle that I failed to recognize. Or more like refused to acknowledge because I so badly with every fiber in my being wanted the love we always found our way back to, to be real. The love-bombing has ended and the hate-blame game appears to be here to stay. I was able to cope with the ugly times because I wHisas able to subconsciously count on the love to cycle back around. That was subconsciously enough to silence my fears and doubts allowing me to put on a smile and focus on those good times. Without that reassurance, I have spiraled deep into my own emotional hell. Constantly questioning what I did wrong, why am I not worth it, why doesn't he love me. I have made valid attempts at expressing my feelings and hurt, hoping he cares and will hear me and reassure me. After far too many failed attempts of sharing my thoughts and feelings and not getting the reassurance or support I thought I would or at the very lease deserved, those expressions turned into unprovoked outbursts.  None of which went ignored. Most of the time, the response I got was more hurt and blame for me to carry and question. For longer than I care to admit, I continued trying to communicate always hoping for a different response than the previous time but always failing to accept that he didn't want to hear how I felt and just plain didn't care if I was hurting.  Without the love-bombing, I was finally able to hear when he told me he didn't want to "deal with me", that he didn't have time for this nor me. That was the final hurt. It took one more final accusation. If you knew me, you would know it is pretty far out there but when he gave the reasoning behind his accusation, it was so exaggerated and far-fetched, it was crystal clear his intent was only to be hurtful. He said I manipulated him and he didn't like that. It may seem ridiculous, but this was a dagger straight to my heart. After years of trying to prove my good intentions, loyalty and integrity, being accused of being manipulative was the last thing I would expect anyone to accuse me of. Besides that, aren't persons of the manipulative type able to use a persons thoughts or feelings in such a way to coax a situation to their need or benefit? Am I wrong? I thought that's the way manipulation worked. Because either I am manipulative and I suck at it or it was just meant to be hurtful. When he told me what I did to manipulate him, is when I knew I had to accept his feelings for me. I know this is really dragging out and I wish I could tell you there is a big giant explosive jaw dropping scene coming, but it's not. The only significance is personal to me as it was my "ahha moment". One day recently, when he was being decent enough that we were getting along and I was at his house, I made the comment "Wanna have a sleepover". There it is. That how I earned the title of master manipulator. A lighthearted flirty comment I didn't think twice about. We lived together for years. He would come and sleep over and leave more times than I can count. I've told him several times how much I miss sleeping next to him and waking up with him. To which he has even agreed that he missed. I cannot follow the logic leading him to the feeling that I was manipulating him. When he said it, it hurt. Really bad. That he would think I was that kind of person. I started trying to play back any scenario my words or actions could have been interpreted as manipulation. I kept replaying the fact he didn't want to deal with me. I wanted to disappear and never be seen again it hurt so bad.

That's when I knew I would have to accept his feelings and thoughts. His accusations are getting so un-hinged, they don't even make sense. I will never get answers why. I will never understand. I will have to accept that he feels what he feels and whether it makes sense or is logically reasonable, he feels it for real. His reality and perception of me is something I cannot take from him. I am releasing myself from any personal responsibility I may feel towards him. I will always love him because there are parts of his that are truly beautiful. I accept what is and let go of what isn't.