Is it always bad?

Before I go much further, I feel the need to make a point. I feel like anyone who may be bored enough or just plain lost on the internet that stumbled across my blogs may very quickly question if I am always this sad, dramatic and long-winded. I get it. Trust me I have to live with myself and totally get it. But there is a specific reason I decided it was worth it to pay a small fee for the false reassurance that my feelings be read and understood when I push that little "publish button". 

I am going thru some stuff and struggling and like any normal adult, I have no clue what to do with it all. A very much the same as the reason I feel I need to make this little speech, I feel it has become a burden to unload all this on the people who love me. I want their love to shine bright and not be dulled by my negativity and constant overthinking. My anonymous rants are me attempting to unload heavy thoughts in a productive mature manner before they turn into an explosive emotional tantrum my children or loved ones have to try to deal with and navigate wondering what they did to deserve that from me. This is real time therapy that honestly seems to be really helping. So I will continue to type type type every tiny little avenue and side street my thoughts take me down. I will hit publish with the imaginary audience of people who truly care ready and willing to read every word with support and reassurance that I need not be ashamed for feeling things so big....and so often. 

I am capable of joy. I wouldn't go as far as to say I am a happy person. I am working on that. I am capable of happy. I believe before happiness can be achieved, one must be at peace. To be at peace, I need to process. So I am processing the only way I can think of to do that right now. I very much am capable of happy. I put in extra effort to create situations and opportunities for the joyful happy moments for me and my children. I have to force myself to do that right now. But I do it. I think that me knowing it is necessary and making it happen, even if I have to force it, is a sign that there is a chance I can get there. 

I don't just sit and wallow in self-pity. I have a job I am really good at and take pride in. I go to hockey games, and the zoo, and the park. I leave my house early in the morning just to take my son to see the fall sunrise at the river. I spend a ridiculous amount of time making days and moments over-the-top special for my children just to see them smile. 

But I get very very very weighed down with sadness and anger quite often lately. So when I am not singing while I do the dishes just to get a laugh from my 9 year old or hand-designing birthday party favors I will likely be here because the sadness or hurt is getting bigger than I can contain and in order to keep going, it has to go somewhere.

So thank you from the bottom of my broken and duct-taped heart for not thinking I am crazy and understanding without judgment that I need this outlet so I can be the best version of me when I am not anonymous and when it really counts.