.... am i crazy? Obviously a question of the rhetorical kind. That is unless you have all the answers for what keeps me up at night. If you do, I welcome you to contact me immediately to further discuss. Until I hear from someone, I will rhetorically again ask, AM I CRAZY? I am exhausted. I am sad, at times I would say depressed. I am physically out of shape. I am highly emotional. I overthink about overthinking. I am loyal. I am creative but not artistic. I am an introvert. I would benefit from the services of a highly skilled therapist. I am full of self-doubt. I am short (but average short...not I have to wear children's clothes short). All of the aforementioned things I know. Without a doubt. I could fill pages and pages of the things I know about myself but won't put you through that. Now that I mention it, I may make a little sticky note to remind myself to do that though. That seems like a therapeutic activity I may benefit from. Inventory of ME I shall call it. What a great idea that is! I think I should add that I am easily distracted and venture off-topic very easily. As I was saying, I know things about myself. But I don't know if I am crazy.....
I think I am a good person. Genuinely. I really try to do good and be good to others. Does that mean I am flawless and have not hurt people? Not even close. I am human. I have made mistakes. I have said and done things that really make me cringe looking back. I will never deny or make excuses for my ugly moments. There are people out there that have cursed my name and wished for karma to strike me. I am not proud of those moments. I would do things differently if I could go back. Now don't think that means I was the mean girl spending my days intentionally hurting others to feed my false sense of superiority. Quite the opposite! My ugly moments are delayed lapses in judgment, actions and words fueled by emotion and at times just general lack of consideration for the consequences of my words or actions. With genuine 100% honestly, I cannot think of a time I did something with the intention of hurting someone. No pre-meditated 1st degree meanness. Probably would have to say definitely some 2nd degree meanness of allowing myself in a situation with the knowledge that I was very likely going to show my ugly side. A large serving of times where good judgment was tossed to the wind because why not. I followed the crowd. I took crappy advice from angry spiteful people. No excuses.
I cannot tell you at what point I realized that my halo wasn't as squeaky clean as I thought it was. And the more that was pointed out to me, the more dumbfounded I was. Not in denial. Not ignorant to good vs. bad. I have never been an intentionally malicious person. Never even considered that even if I was reacting to hateful words or actions from others, my angry hurt reaction is as equally wrong. There is one person that led me to these realizations. When I said "led" I do not mean a nice sit-down chat with soothing calm voices and supportive reassurances. It was more like years of repeated angry name-calling belittling hate sessions informing me of what a really bad vindictive spiteful person I truly was. It really isn't relevant that this all came from the same person that was on the other side of most of my adult ugly moments of reacting emotionally. I won't go down that rabbit hole just yet but his angry belittling accusations did force me to really take a good look at who I was and how I present myself. I would have preferred criticism coming from a loving place. But blame and shame sure did the trick. That person is both the best and worst thing to happen to me. No matter what his intentions or feelings are towards me, he fueled my journey to evaluate and rebuild who I am and how I live. I really make an A+ effort to accept the constructive criticisms offered to me and take it as an opportunity to better myself rather than a personal attack. BUT nothing is more motivating than being told how awful you are with specific examples. Even if those examples are easily explained misunderstanding or misinterpretation. NOTHING will motivate a person to change more than the need to prove someone wrong, especially when you love that person. I received the message. I caught the cue. Time to do some real honest work on myself.
Have you ever seen the movie The Land Before Time? The cute dinosaur movie. Picture this. Rocks suddenly spewing spikes upwards, the ground splitting right under your feet, fireballs falling from the sky, your mom dies, you get separated from the only other people you know and trust, and you are now forced to make this perilous journey to this mythical valley without proof it actually exists all while trying to learn to work with a group of abandoned misfits who you've never met before. THAT is my personal growth journey. I slowly began to realize that I didn't really like the people in my life or agree with anything they said or did. I have to re-evaluate every relationship in my life now understanding that I get to choose who sits at my table. I had to make cuts. A lot of people were no longer welcome in my life. Making those changes came with more anger, hatred, blame and drama than I ever would have expected. I have scars. I am still struggling to understand why some things happened the way they did. I am trying to find peace with the fact that instead of accepting and supporting me and who I was trying to become, the people I loved would rather just lose me and never again speak to me. People I never thought I would lose. It hurt more than I have been capable of processing, but it is also a blessing.
Does the amount of time that this has all happened within matter? I mean it's been more than a little bit. More like 25% of my life. I guess it may be significant if one was to assume maybe this was just a phase that will pass and back to my evil ways I go. Not a phase. I am fully committed to the light. Integrity. Honesty. Transparency. Kindness. Self-control (still working on this one). Loyalty. The harshest words that someone could say they've heard from me would be me attempting to express and communicate something that has upset me or hurt me that I feel is worth discussing. I don't think that is mean or ugly at all. I express my feelings too often though. I know that. Somethings just don't need to be discussed. Other than that, the good ol' halo is back to shining brighter than it ever has.
Now I can tie this all back together to my original question. AM I CRAZY? You think if you do good, good will come. If you act with only good intentions and honesty, peace and happiness will flood your life. FAKE NEWS! Now, more than ever, I have been shunned, rejected, blamed, abandoned, belittled, and accused. Oh the things I have been accused of! Absurd and ridiculous accusations that just leave me speechless. Like does this person know me AT ALL? All of this coming from the people closest to me that I love the very most. The people who know me the best. The people most important to me that I thought would always be "my people" thru it all. People who just keep on flinging the poo at me long after I gave up trying to defend, explain, discuss, understand the anger and hatred they all the sudden have towards me. Throwing darts at me while I silently stand there in awful awe of the lengths being taken to hurt me. It may seem dramatic. You may think "oh it really can't be that bad". But it can ... and it is. All to the point that I am left seriously questioning AM I CRAZY .... AM I REALLY THE PROBLEM???? Have I created this altered reality in which I have convinced myself that I am a good person and don't deserve what's happened/happening to me? I have a small select few people that still love and support me that reassure me it's not me. I am not the problem. But I question their biased opinion. So many people that I have so dearly loved have turned against me and thrown me away like trash polluting their lives that I really cannot help but start to believe, no matter how much I think I've grown or how hard I try to be a genuinely good person, I have failed and I am not. What else could be the reason? I don't think I will ever get that answer and I don't know how to process the feelings and thoughts I am left with.
Add comment
Comments